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I'm sitting here when I'm supposed to be asleep trying to reconcile the current facts of life.

E has reached 13 months post-bone-marrow-transplant; she had her 'last' BMA/LP today and results will take awhile. She no longer climbs or even walks as easily as she used to do; running is very difficult, stairs are better, but still must be negotiated with care. She is slowly gaining ground when speaking, but has not reached pre-transplant level. Learning in general is still slower than before also. Her body is slowly recovering, but I have to wonder what will be left, what will cause problems later in life, etc. You'd think that I could just bask in the wonder that she WILL HAVE a "later in life", wouldn't you? So why am I so afraid of the answers to all these evaluations? Even the weekly blood counts are scary.

These treatments have stolen a large part of childhood for her that she will never recover, left scars that will always exist. Now i have to put her into summer school so that she has a better shot at 1st grade, so I have already caused her to give up most of the first real summer she has had since she was 18 months old! And yes, I feel guilty about that too. But she needs it - she has missed most of kindergarten this year, and does not yet have the skills needed for 1st grade. Even though she will be missing some of each week, I am hoping that summer school is the right solution instead of some type of private tutor? At least the summer school is paid for already - she qualifies.

My eldest, J, is developing into a pre-teen going on 18. She is definitely developing her 'inner moxie' as her karate teacher said - hard to believe sometimes that she IS so old; 5th grade this fall, taking trips with competition team and girl scout troop without family and everything.

Myself? I'm dealing with my own issues, but a few things seem to be straightening out somewhat. I'm afraid to trust in that, too.

If you get a chance, stop and admire the nature around you - it is never exactly the same from moment to moment.