27 October 2007
By George, I think she's got it!
3rd place in sparring - at her first tournament! I think J's found something she enjoys and is good at doing. She started in August, and we are very proud of her. She's proud of herself, too!
20 October 2007
Rather random thoughts....
Saturday. For once I'm alone in the house, and it is very quiet when the dogs aren't barking.
What does life matter? It depends upon the situation, I think.
To my children, I matter. To the world in general, I am pretty sure I don't exist.
I have few friends, an extended family that is, to say the least, an experience. I thought I had a boyfriend, but right now I couldn't say for sure. Which probably means that I *don't* have one.
I want to love and be loved by one man, but I've given up on trying. There are many things in my life that are skewed, that drain the time and focus from anything outside the family which creates challenges for trying to do anything else. I know that I am not the only one living between what is necessary and what is hoped for in my life. Neither am I the only one who has large problems/issues.
Some people, knowing what the situation is in my life, express amazement, I guess is what you would say, for the ability of us to simply handle life. Between the health, monetary, and personal areas of my life, most usually say that they wouldn't be able to keep going.
IMO, what keeps me going is a mixture of hope that things will improve, faith that these challenges are for a reason, and the (not-so-simple) refusal to quit or run away. Quitting is something I decided about 18 years ago was NOT an option. Running away is what I would like to do some times, but I somehow get myself past that point one way or another - and no, I couldn't really explain how. Hope that things will improve is part stubbornness and part past experience - things may improve and always change a little from the current situation. Kind of like when people say "if you don't like the weather, just wait five minutes."
Faith that this means something, to someone is because of past experience from both sides of the issue - the example of others as well as the few times that I know I made a difference. I hope that I've made a positive difference for more people/situations than I know right now.
Every day I have to keep myself moving; some days it is as little as a few seconds at a time and some days it can even be an hour or so at a time. I trust that if I keep moving, keep handling things that the hoped for change will come. That I *can* manage to take the next step, face the next challenge, and move past the old ones with a little more wisdom.
~M
What does life matter? It depends upon the situation, I think.
To my children, I matter. To the world in general, I am pretty sure I don't exist.
I have few friends, an extended family that is, to say the least, an experience. I thought I had a boyfriend, but right now I couldn't say for sure. Which probably means that I *don't* have one.
I want to love and be loved by one man, but I've given up on trying. There are many things in my life that are skewed, that drain the time and focus from anything outside the family which creates challenges for trying to do anything else. I know that I am not the only one living between what is necessary and what is hoped for in my life. Neither am I the only one who has large problems/issues.
Some people, knowing what the situation is in my life, express amazement, I guess is what you would say, for the ability of us to simply handle life. Between the health, monetary, and personal areas of my life, most usually say that they wouldn't be able to keep going.
IMO, what keeps me going is a mixture of hope that things will improve, faith that these challenges are for a reason, and the (not-so-simple) refusal to quit or run away. Quitting is something I decided about 18 years ago was NOT an option. Running away is what I would like to do some times, but I somehow get myself past that point one way or another - and no, I couldn't really explain how. Hope that things will improve is part stubbornness and part past experience - things may improve and always change a little from the current situation. Kind of like when people say "if you don't like the weather, just wait five minutes."
Faith that this means something, to someone is because of past experience from both sides of the issue - the example of others as well as the few times that I know I made a difference. I hope that I've made a positive difference for more people/situations than I know right now.
Every day I have to keep myself moving; some days it is as little as a few seconds at a time and some days it can even be an hour or so at a time. I trust that if I keep moving, keep handling things that the hoped for change will come. That I *can* manage to take the next step, face the next challenge, and move past the old ones with a little more wisdom.
~M
26 August 2007
Gaining ground
So, in the effort to regain control over my sanity, I am still not working...even the government agreed that I am screwed up. That is only partially a good thing, in my view.
Anyhow. I am starting Chorale again, along with singing in the church choir. Yep. Me at church. I'm giving another try at being with a group of christians. I hope that this time it is better. My girls both need it, so here we go. I love being in the choir, so that's a good thing.
On the suggestion of my mother, which rather surprised me by the way, I am working at the Spirit Acres Equine Rescue twice a week. I've not worked with horses (or stables, for that matter) since I was 12! A lot of exercise, and some work with horses. Not too much right now, but I'll get there. All those years of working with 11 to 14 year olds actually helps when dealing with these stallions! I Of course, I'm bringing them fresh water and food so at least that part is easily explained!
My goal tomorrow is to get J up, prepared, and to school without rushing her. This means that I should already be asleep, but for whatever reason it isn't happening again tonight.
Part of me is getting better at accomplishing things that need to be done, but I still fail more than AI should. Frustrating and depressing, frankly. Hard to keep going.
Relationship wise, I'm happy, but wondering if I'm always going to be 'invisible' to everyone as part of this couple. I guess it is because we are both gun-shy about doing so. Things are getting better, it is just taking longer than I like. Or he likes, for that matter. Just when he gets things set up to improve things something else spazzes out. I have to keep reminding myself (and him sometimes) that the overall picture is much improved ...
My ex called yesterday and needed me to go and sign papers about the time-share we had...apparently he never got the papers done to remove my name five years ago! Time consuming, but pretty easy.
J needs new glasses. I realized today that the ones she has are way too small...
Someone I helped this last year/spring apparently has decided that I don't exist...which hurts, but I guess I should have known better. Now I have to figure out how to deal with the fallout, because of it. I really would like to slap him or something - not useful, I know, but my temper would like to do it anyhow.
I have to go to TX DHHS tomorrow. I don't feel comfortable doing so, but I don't have a choice, either.
Enough. Enough. Enough....I'm off to bed.
Anyhow. I am starting Chorale again, along with singing in the church choir. Yep. Me at church. I'm giving another try at being with a group of christians. I hope that this time it is better. My girls both need it, so here we go. I love being in the choir, so that's a good thing.
On the suggestion of my mother, which rather surprised me by the way, I am working at the Spirit Acres Equine Rescue twice a week. I've not worked with horses (or stables, for that matter) since I was 12! A lot of exercise, and some work with horses. Not too much right now, but I'll get there. All those years of working with 11 to 14 year olds actually helps when dealing with these stallions! I Of course, I'm bringing them fresh water and food so at least that part is easily explained!
My goal tomorrow is to get J up, prepared, and to school without rushing her. This means that I should already be asleep, but for whatever reason it isn't happening again tonight.
Part of me is getting better at accomplishing things that need to be done, but I still fail more than AI should. Frustrating and depressing, frankly. Hard to keep going.
Relationship wise, I'm happy, but wondering if I'm always going to be 'invisible' to everyone as part of this couple. I guess it is because we are both gun-shy about doing so. Things are getting better, it is just taking longer than I like. Or he likes, for that matter. Just when he gets things set up to improve things something else spazzes out. I have to keep reminding myself (and him sometimes) that the overall picture is much improved ...
My ex called yesterday and needed me to go and sign papers about the time-share we had...apparently he never got the papers done to remove my name five years ago! Time consuming, but pretty easy.
J needs new glasses. I realized today that the ones she has are way too small...
Someone I helped this last year/spring apparently has decided that I don't exist...which hurts, but I guess I should have known better. Now I have to figure out how to deal with the fallout, because of it. I really would like to slap him or something - not useful, I know, but my temper would like to do it anyhow.
I have to go to TX DHHS tomorrow. I don't feel comfortable doing so, but I don't have a choice, either.
Enough. Enough. Enough....I'm off to bed.
A new school year begins....
Well, I feel rather old tonight. My baby, E, begins kindergarten! Actually, I'm having problems accepting the fact that J is now a 4th grader! I'm too young to be this old.... lol
No, seriously though - I'm having a bit of a problem with this. It doesn't help any that, for the first time in six years, I'M not starting school (was a teacher). Quite odd feeling, really.
E will be allowed to go to school in October, but she will be on homebound until then. We are happy, because originally the guideline was that she would be unable to attend school for the first year!
Hurrah!
No, seriously though - I'm having a bit of a problem with this. It doesn't help any that, for the first time in six years, I'M not starting school (was a teacher). Quite odd feeling, really.
E will be allowed to go to school in October, but she will be on homebound until then. We are happy, because originally the guideline was that she would be unable to attend school for the first year!
Hurrah!
06 August 2007
today...
Today I will freely show my love to those around me
Today I will forgive those that caused me pain
Today I will start over, and begin to live for myself
Today I try again....
14 June 2007
View of the past....
Confusion. That is the most obvious memory of everything. Ok, this isn't phrased right yet, but we'll all just have to deal.
I'm told this is normal - to feel that everything I've ever known is no longer in my brain....that it *is* there, just no longer connected. This really sucks. It takes me way too long to remember how to do something...and is difficult to stay on task long enough to finish whatever it is that I started. Every failure is just adding to my sense of uselessness.
I'm told this is normal - to feel that everything I've ever known is no longer in my brain....that it *is* there, just no longer connected. This really sucks. It takes me way too long to remember how to do something...and is difficult to stay on task long enough to finish whatever it is that I started. Every failure is just adding to my sense of uselessness.
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